Second Opinions

So I have about 2 more months on Lupron, then I guess it's time to figure out what's next. It's been nice not having to make any decisions lately, but I've been thinking a lot about what we should do. It was pretty unclear the last time we saw our RE. In our visits before, she had pretty much said keep trying naturally and then do IVF when you have the money. Then at our last visit she said that if my AMH still sucks when we check it next and if the hubs counts stay similar that IUI may be a better option. She was practically walking out of the room when she said this, so I didn't get to ask any questions. From what I've read online, I'm guessing that she means that with such a low AMH, IVF will probably be unsuccessful, so IUI is a better option cost wise? I'm not really sure.

Because our RE was unclear about our course of treatment and because if we did IUI we would do it at that clinic, I think we should probably have another consult with her after I finish Lupron. However, if we need IVF, we are looking at a clinic in another state (about 4 hours away) because it's about half the price of our clinic. So we should probably talk to the RE there too. Consults are just sooo expensive, I wish that we could just pick one to consult with. I guess it's a good idea to get a second opinion before spending a lot of money anyway.

I wonder what I will do if the RE's have different opinions though? RE's just seem to have such different ideas. Our friends see another RE at our same clinic and from what they say, she sounds a lot different than ours. For example, my husband's morphology is really bad (1-2% strict) and our RE said that it's not necessarily a big deal. However, our friend's morphology is the same and their RE made a really big deal out of it. I will say that his count is extremely low (like less than 1 million last SA) so I'm not sure if morphology makes more of a difference if you have less sperm to deal with?

It's just a lot of money. It seems like there should be more agreement among professionals. How do you know who to listen to? How many opinions are necessary? I guess I will just have to suck it up and pay a bunch of money for people to make me even more confused.

Obsession

I have been feeling kind of crazy. This isn't a new thing. I've been like this for a while. I am the type of person that needs everything to be in order in any situation, so it makes sense that I would feel this way about infertility/ttc. The only problem is that I have no control over any of it. But I'm delusional and like to pretend that I do. So I spend hours upon hours online reading journal articles about our multiple conditions, looking at message boards for anybody who is in a similar situation that might have had success, or reading books about ttc. When I am not physically doing something, my mind is constantly on it. I'm always thinking about what our next step will be. I think about what else I can do to push the odds in our favor. I think, "the hubs needs to drink less coffee and eat more walnuts starting ASAP because I'm going to be off Lupron soon and we can start ttc again. I need to keep exercising, lose weight, and stop drinking diet soda again so that I'm as healthy as possible when we start again. What else should we be doing?"

I guess I feel like I have to do something or be thinking about it until it is resolved. I feel like I can't rest until everything is in it's place. Too bad that may never happen. I wonder if that means I will always be like this? I really hope not. I wonder how I will ever be able to move on from this place if there is no resolution?

At this point, there is literally nothing that happens that does not trigger some thought of fertility. Not a thing. While watching American Idol: "Mariah Carey, oh she had twins recently." While cleaning my kitchen: "this cleaner probably has something in it that is not good for my fertility." When talking to my sister: "I wonder when she will get pregnant?" There are literally hundreds, maybe thousands, of things daily that send my mind to that annoying place. There is no escape. The sad part is, I think it is a little better being on Lupron since we can't ttc right now. At least I don't have that even more obsessive period during the 2 week wait or the disappointment when I start my period. I've tried to meditate, exercise more, and do things that I enjoy more often to try to take at least some of the focus off of infertility. But when you can't even watch American Idol without thinking about it, what can you do?

My Experience with Lupron (so far)

My RE suggested that I go on Lupron after my laparoscopy in July. She said that I had a lot of endometriosis (grade 3) but that they got as much as they could. She explained that endometriosis is kind of like splatter paint and that it is impossible to remove all of it with surgery. She said that the Lupron would starve the small endometrial implants of estrogen and that they would "die off." I'm always researching, so I looked for research to support the "dying off" thing. I couldn't really find much. But, I figure I'm not a RE and I hope she knows what she's doing, as much as she costs. I really wanted to see if just having the surgery helped first. She said it wouldn't hurt anything to try for 6 months before starting Lupron. Shocker: nothing happened. So, I had my first injection in December. I am having the once monthly injections and have had 2 so far. I was really expecting the worst. I mean, I've heard nothing but horror stories. Hot flashes and mood swings were the side effects I heard most often, so I was fully expecting at least those. Not to mention the horrible things you read online. I was reading crazy stories about Lupron giving people permanent bone loss or epilepsy. A little scary. I have to say I have been pleasantly surprised. I know it's not over, but I think I should be feeling side effects if I'm going to, right? The only thing that I have been experiencing is low sex drive. I'm really not sure if that is a side effect or just in my head. I mean it is pretty nice to have a break from ttc. Since I know that a baby is not going to result plus the fact that last 30 months have consisted of way too much BDing, not feeling into it may not be due to the medication. I am doing the add-back therapy, so maybe that is helping too. Does anyone have any interesting experiences with Lupron?

On my blog title...

I thought I should address the name of my blog sometime. Now seems like a good time.  So, there were lots of names I had in mind. This name won because I can't count how many times I have heard this. As in "it will happen, someday" or "it will happen, some way or another." I know people don't know what to say and that this seems encouraging. However, it is not. I don't know what the right thing to say is. In fact, if I were in the position of others, this might be something I would say. It is just frustrating. I mean, I know something will happen. I have some control over my life. If I do not get pregnant, I am fully aware that there are other options. I realize that I will someday have children, "somehow." But I, unlike the people who are giving me these words of "encouragement," have been trying for it to happen for THIRTY long months. Thirty months of taking my temperature, timing sex, avoiding alcohol, trying different diets, having my blood taken a million times, surgery, medications, acupuncture, and peeing on sticks, only to get a big fat negative thirty times. So I'm sorry that it is not comforting to hear that it will happen for me too, someday, from someone who's "someday" happened in one month. Now that was negative, but it makes me feel better!

Weight Loss vs. Healthful Eating

I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life. I'm not hugely obese or anything, but I could stand to lose 30 (or 40) pounds. I have gained a few pounds over the past couple of years ttc. It is hard for me to focus on changing a lot of things at once. Therefore, while I was trying to change my eating habits to eat more healthfully for fertility, I was not paying attention to calories. Peanut butter is healthy, right? Anyway, I am now suffering the consequences. Since I am on Lupron for the next couple of months, I figured it was a good time to try to focus more on the weight loss part. So I started counting calories. Since I'm counting calories, I haven't really been too focused on the amount of nutrition in my meals. Do I want a 380 calorie salad, or a 380 calorie french bread pizza? Pizza every time. So, I know this isn't necessarily the best approach, but if I have to choose one, I think I will choose losing weight first. However, my goal is to try to keep losing weight and to try to eat a few more healthy meals in the next couple of months.

A Good Day

Lately, good days have been few and far between. I am trying to have a more positive attitude lately and I think it's really helping. Don't get me wrong, my last post was definitely a rant after a very bad day. I just feel like I'm having a few more good days recently. Maybe it's the fact that I'm on Lupron and can't get pregnant right now so I don't have the stress I usually do. Maybe I'm finally making peace with the fact that it may never happen for us naturally. Or maybe my conscious effort to really take care of myself more and to think more positively about life in general is paying off. Whatever it is, I'm happy to have some fun days so the crappy days don't take over my life.

Another Baby Shower???

So I recently had a bad experience at a baby shower. It was after work for one of my co-workers. I should mention that most of my co-workers have children, are pregnant, or are 24 and "not ready" yet. I should also mention that at least 2 people at a time have been pregnant over the last two an a half years we have been trying. My workplace is a cause of constant annoyance and/or sadness. I thought that I was okay with the shower since I am constantly surrounded by these annoyances. Pregnancy, childbirth, and child rearing are the topic 99% of the time. I felt like since work was like a baby shower everyday, I should be fine. I was wrong. I made it through for about an hour, but then I had to get out. I made it to the car, then I lost it. It was unexpected. I haven't actually cried about any infertility stuff in a while, so I guess I was due. I just couldn't take all of the "you have to bring this thing to the hospital", and the "you won't sleep for years," and so on. The problem is that I have another one next week! I absolutely cannot go to this one! Not just because I can't take the situation again, but because this one will probably a million times worse. The girl who is pregnant did not know she was pregnant until she was 23 weeks along! She is always talking about how "traumatic" it was because she wasn't ready. I'm sure everyone at the shower will have to know all about the "funny" story of how she didn't know she was pregnant. Yeah, real funny.