Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I have been feeling kind of crazy. This isn't a new thing. I've been like this for a while. I am the type of person that needs everything to be in order in any situation, so it makes sense that I would feel this way about infertility/ttc. The only problem is that I have no control over any of it. But I'm delusional and like to pretend that I do. So I spend hours upon hours online reading journal articles about our multiple conditions, looking at message boards for anybody who is in a similar situation that might have had success, or reading books about ttc. When I am not physically doing something, my mind is constantly on it. I'm always thinking about what our next step will be. I think about what else I can do to push the odds in our favor. I think, "the hubs needs to drink less coffee and eat more walnuts starting ASAP because I'm going to be off Lupron soon and we can start ttc again. I need to keep exercising, lose weight, and stop drinking diet soda again so that I'm as healthy as possible when we start again. What else should we be doing?"

I guess I feel like I have to do something or be thinking about it until it is resolved. I feel like I can't rest until everything is in it's place. Too bad that may never happen. I wonder if that means I will always be like this? I really hope not. I wonder how I will ever be able to move on from this place if there is no resolution?

At this point, there is literally nothing that happens that does not trigger some thought of fertility. Not a thing. While watching American Idol: "Mariah Carey, oh she had twins recently." While cleaning my kitchen: "this cleaner probably has something in it that is not good for my fertility." When talking to my sister: "I wonder when she will get pregnant?" There are literally hundreds, maybe thousands, of things daily that send my mind to that annoying place. There is no escape. The sad part is, I think it is a little better being on Lupron since we can't ttc right now. At least I don't have that even more obsessive period during the 2 week wait or the disappointment when I start my period. I've tried to meditate, exercise more, and do things that I enjoy more often to try to take at least some of the focus off of infertility. But when you can't even watch American Idol without thinking about it, what can you do?

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